Mastering Life’s Living Adventures: The Dark Side of People Pleasing with Guest Luisa Valentin | EP 058

Speaker: 00:00:06

Dr. Judith Holder: Welcome to Mastering life's adventures, an educational podcast about tapping into your true self, the soul, your soul, the substance of your life, to discover what life's ups and downs are really about, and how to have a greater sense of purpose, peace, joy, and fulfillment. I'm Dr. Judith holder and your host, Coach psychologist Delos seeker, he enjoys diving into the connections between spirituality, psychology, wellness, and your everyday life's adventures. All comparing and polishing you like the fast is a magnificent diamond to be your best self. If you're craving more from your life, you are in the right place. Come let's journey together and transforming what you know, and to who you really are mastering Life's adventures begins now.

Speaker: 00:01:00

Hi, welcome back. We're here to talk about a very interesting topic area that I think many of us do, but some of us do more than others. And that's people pleasing. And specifically, we're going to be talking about the dark side of people pleasing. And my guess is Luisa and she'll share a little bit about herself. And then we go right into the topic and just discuss about this whole issue of the dark side of people pleasing. Luisa, once you introduce yourself.

Luisa Valentin: 00:01:29

Hi, everyone, I am Louisa Valentin. I'm an empowerment wellness coach, I help empower women to discover their strengths to achieve their optimal state of mental physical and spiritual health, by learning to prioritize themselves to create these lifestyle changes to have lasting results versus short term transformations that don't stick around. And I myself have fallen into this trap of people pleasing. And it really started when I was young, a child even where I always wanted to be around the adults, I wanted to stay up under my mother's arm. So what did I do, I always did the things that made everybody happy. I was the good child, who was quiet, who did the right things who pleased everyone, especially the adults, and I took that into school with me and into my friendships and my relationships. At first it was like, Oh, wow, I'm getting all of this praise. And I get to do all of these exciting things. But eventually, it just kept taking more and more out of me. It broke me down, to be able to make room to please everyone else.

Luisa Valentin: 00:03:11

Dr. Judith Holder: You know, you're bringing them important thing with people pleasing. And that is I was just thinking about how the soul sometimes is as if we're people pleasing others, which is the ego, wanting that attention, wanting that opportunity for people to say, Look at me, I'm good, I'm great. I'm whatever. And but what we don't do is we don't look at the soul and the soul wants to be pleasing in your eyes. And in actuality, it's just it's silent. It is not seeing the very thing that people pleasers want is to be seen, but they're not seeing their soul.

Luisa Valentin: 00:03:48

Precisely, that's exactly what happened to me, my soul wasn't being seen, I wasn't able to fully shine because I didn't have time to shine. I didn't have the space for it, because I was worried about what everyone else needed. What would their values were? And how could I help uphold them for them? How can I do the things to make everyone else happy? And my happiness didn't quite matter. And I started becoming a shell of a person versus the person that I could very well be.

Luisa Valentin: 00:04:31

Dr. Judith Holder: Yes. And in fact what you're saying is through Worry, worry creates a barrier between the true self and who we really are, it actually starts to build more of the synthetic cell like synthetic clothing we can wear or the fabric is made synthetic. And also you said the thing about it so as loose as a past our values and moves us into being with other people's values are which may be and counter to what is truly ourselves. So when you say, I start to move further away from myself, and the shell start to happen, and this hollowness that occurred, and that is the very thing that creates Now this, this separation from what the souls needs are, which is the substance of our life, our soul, but we're thinking these other things outside of ourselves that's pleasing to other people, is where the substance should be, in actuality. That's not the case. It just makes us feel more hollow, as you were saying.

Luisa Valentin: 00:05:34

Yes, definitely. And I didn't have my own identity, because I became who everyone else thought I was, or who I should be. And that was draining itself, because I had to keep on perpetrating this persona for everyone else, and not for me. So maybe sitting alone, I might think, Oh, wow, what would it be like to experience this same happiness or somebody else doing something that would just help bring me joy. But I didn't have it because I didn't speak up for it. I didn't speak up for myself. And I can't even put the blame on the other people because I was allowing it to happen. I, I just kept on moving forward, because I wanted to make everyone else happy.

Luisa Valentin: 00:06:43

Dr. Judith Holder: Now, sometimes we're not aware of how far we've gone down the road of people pleasing, and ruthless thinking that is something that I've done, it's become more of a habit to me, I'm realizing that I'm not necessarily happy, and people pleasing, but it's what I know. And so what I said what I continue to do. So that's one aspect. And the other aspect of the people pleasing is sometimes it builds up this inner anger, frustration within oneself, because if I'm helping everyone else, but no one's looking to help me and this is somewhat what you're alluding to, and say it's like, what's going on here? What we still continue to do the people pleasing. And then until it gets to a point that is like, you know, what? I'm not too angry. I need to, you know, change up on this. Or it may be a process of saying, and reflection, versus getting me how is is honoring? Do I know what my values are? Because sometimes we don't know what our values are? Do I know what makes me happy? As you said earlier? Because sometimes, so we're so focused on others. We don't know, Jesus, we don't know our soul, and what's pleasing to our soul? And how do we want to cultivate and grow our soul? Thoughts about that?

Luisa Valentin: 00:08:06

Oh, I completely agree. And that's exactly what was happening with me. I first thought making people happy was making me happy and joyous and feel good. But I was getting more and more frustrated. I was getting angry at the people who were asking things of me, but I never put up a single boundary. I always said yes. And if you allow something to happen, people are going to accept it. And if you don't ask for anything in return, people don't tend to just offer it, especially because they don't think you need it. So this perception was that I was such a strong giving person because I never needed anything back. I never needed them to re reciprocate what I was giving because I handled everything of my own on my own. But while continuing to give and give and give and that level of frustration, just kept on building and I didn't realize okay, so what is my happiness? Where is my happy place? Because I didn't know I thought giving was my happy place. And while that is a part of it, it's not everything. Once I didn't have that happiness in giving, then is like Okay, so what do I have what's left? Because I'm just frustrated. I'm angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the situation. I'm tired. I'm I'm just here, I'm just existing.

Luisa Valentin: 00:10:05

Dr. Judith Holder: When did you kind of get to the point of saying, I see you, I'm too extreme in that people's pleasing is okay to please others, but not to the point that you're toppling yourself over and not take into consideration what your needs are, what your growth pattern needs to be moving forward in your life. And in your soul evolution. When was that point that you realize? This may need to shift here?

Luisa Valentin: 00:10:32

I exploded. So like a rubber band that you keep pulling, pulling and pulling on, eventually it snaps. And that was what happened. And everybody was like in shock. Like, oh, whoa, are you okay? What did we do? We're just being normal. And they were just being normal. It was me, it was me who was changing the whole time. And then that's when I decided, okay, I can't, I can't keep blaming everyone else, if I'm gonna keep letting everybody be this way with me. So I didn't go from zero to 100. I just started putting up small boundaries. And maybe I wouldn't just say no, but I would say alright, not right now. I'm doing X, Y, and Z, I'll come check on you later. Or, I have something else for me at this moment. So I can't do that. And it shifted where I was able to say that full sentence of No. And I didn't have to be apologetic about it. But it was just those those small shifts, and I would check in with myself, I would check in to see. Okay, how did that feel? How did I feel? Because originally, in the beginning, it feels a little guilty? Yes, it's definitely awkward. It's strange. It's like, alright, this is not my normal. But even with that, there was a little spark of something. And I was like, okay, all right, this, this is working, I could, I can continue, I can move forward and put up a bigger boundary. And that's how I was able to create the space to find myself and my enjoyment again,

Luisa Valentin: 00:12:34

Dr. Judith Holder: why, but something that happened to you that you need, they knew that you need to do this in incremental steps, you couldn't just go cold turkey with with this, what was that that happened for you that you said, I can do this incrementally. And check in with myself, as I heard you say,

Luisa Valentin: 00:12:51

every time I have tried to do something from zero to 100, whether in my fitness journey, whether trying to learn a new topic, I would fail, if I just went all in, I just there would be no success, I do it for a little while, I'd have some good momentum going. And then something would happen where I would fall off course. And then I will say, Oh, I failed, and then go back to the way that I was before. And at this point, I just knew if I tried to be as hard and extreme as possible and go all in, I would end up not being able to keep those boundaries up, my boundaries would be bigger than I was able to hold

Luisa Valentin: 00:13:48

Dr. Judith Holder: is if sometimes we know we want to lift the weight, like you're saying you're You do the exercise, we have to lift the weight, and we think we're gonna go for the 50 pounds right off and hit it was like, oh, no, that doesn't work, I need to do 510 and build up to 1520 reps around it, to be able to make sure I can sustain it. And that's what I'm hearing you're saying, you know, in terms of sustainability wise, incrementally is one of the best ways of being able to do something and make sure that you can continue to be able to do it. But there was something else you said to the witches about the spark that happened for you. And when you said that spark, I thought about the soul. And the soul is actually it's like saying, you're freeing me. You're freed me from this people pleasing that is weighing me down creating this density that I talked about in an episode episode. Previously, this density that's keeping me down, that you can't I can't do anything. It's like putting me in a straitjacket well for your soul. And so when we start to realize that particular pattern or behavior or a way in which we're doing something and we start to now pull back from that, it actually creates more space for the soul to shine. So I love it when you said It kind of was a spark that happened for me.

Luisa Valentin: 00:15:03

Yes, I absolutely love that analogy and the truth in it, because I completely agree that it was my soul saying, Oh, she's ready for me. Now, let me, let me show her that I am here and I'm ready, ready to explore. And that's exactly what I did. I continued to explore. And the more I was able to put up boundaries, it wasn't just about the boundary. What did I do with this time now that I had, I got to explore my soul's enjoyment, my soul's purpose. And I found, yeah, helping, again, is a part of that, and I love it. And it, it truly does make my heart smile to be able to help others, just no longer at the expense of myself.

Luisa Valentin: 00:15:58

Dr. Judith Holder: Right, exactly. Because I think one of the qualities of the soul along with the sensitivity is a desire to serve this desire to give, to desire to be able to give treats out when special ways and thoughtful ways. And that's all qualities of what the soul wants to be able to do in order for it to shine and continue to grow in through those experiences of giving, and the right balance and in the right way and the right motive for why we're doing things that allows our soul to feel like, okay, we're on course, we're moving in the right direction.

Luisa Valentin: 00:16:35

Yes, exactly. And also something else with doing it in increments, it let me know I was safe. Something else that I had always been afraid of was people being upset or disappointed with me, if I didn't give my all. But by doing it in those small spaces, oh, they don't hate me, they're not upset, they're not angry. Like they can accept it. And there is space for them to give in space for me to receive also. So with my boundaries going up, it wasn't just a wall, it was a door where it allowed a two way flow, versus just me going full 100 and putting up that wall. And there were some people who weren't happy, who were upset that I was putting up boundaries, whether small or large. And maybe those weren't my people. And that's okay. The ones that I needed in my life, were understanding and accepting of it.

Luisa Valentin: 00:17:54

Dr. Judith Holder: Exactly. And that's sometimes what we have to be aware of, is that we have to be accepting of the fact upon of this moving out of the people pleasing, and moving into being who you really are, is some people are gonna like it, and some people are like, not gonna like it. And in fact, as long as your motives and your intentions are pure, and find and harmonious, then you know what, you have to allow them to be you, you do you, I do me. And no hard feelings, but it's, that's okay. Because everything has a season and cycle, some people come into our life for a certain experience, and for a particular reason, and then they flow back out of our life again, and that's okay. And one of the things about people pleasing, we don't realize it is a subtle form of control, we want people to like us, so we're trying to do those things, and we don't realize underneath is is your control, because if you I can do this for you, then you're gonna like me, right? And I can do this, and you're gonna like me, right? Or accept me or appreciate me or include me, or whatever it may be. And we all have some of that desire one and all those things, but we don't want to have it overboard. And realizing what is the motive for what what I'm doing for what I'm doing? What's my motive? And so that helps to keep the people pleasing, intact a little bit. It's like saying, the ego wants this for attention, or approval or acceptance or whatever. And it's like, no, that's my ego doesn't need to shine that way. It is my sole self that I want to shine. And I want it to do and the purity and the right direction that serves and helps others in some particular ways.

Luisa Valentin: 00:19:30

Oh, I I absolutely love that because it is so true. Because if I'm doing it just to please others, and again, I'm not being authentically me. It's for that boost that I was initially getting of the praise and the Oh, she's so good and all of those things. But now when I'm giving when I'm sharing myself, it's not about my Ego and boosting it. It's because it's from that place of authenticity where, no, I genuinely want to do this for the people that I am doing it for. It's not for that. Ego pleasure, it is for them. So pleasure.

Luisa Valentin: 00:20:19

Dr. Judith Holder: Yes, exactly. And it's it is the sole pleasure that is one of the analogies I use is some experiences we have to skate more through, you know, and we just observe and see what's going on and enjoy being on the skateboard and realizing, you know, be fall off. That's okay, we'll get right back on and keep on moving along. And the soul says thank you for that experience, because we're doing it from the point of enjoyment of being on that skateboard for those who like to be on skateboards to others do not. And we're enjoying it experience. But we're not getting into so much ego looking at me being on the skateboard is Morrow, the soul's pleasure, because it's moving in a direction that allows us all to be feel uplifted, and and also have enjoyment in life. What happens with people pleasing is the joy, as you said earlier, it gets sucked out of you, who's doing the people pleasing, and it's maybe gives us a bit giving ourselves too much into other people. And that becomes the issue and why some people just feel like they're depressed or they're sad, or they're anxious, or they're mad, that's taken place. It's not realizing the mode by which they're doing something by is not serving their soul.

Luisa Valentin: 00:21:34

Yeah, it really was not serving my soul. So I know that from the experience of living through it, and transforming with it. And just creating this new reality for myself, where I'm no longer a people pleaser. I am a giver of time a giver of care. But people pleasing is no longer in my everyday vocabulary or thought process. I am not the picture in the dictionary anymore. Under that, and it's just about deciding that you get the chance to create the new reality that you do want. And that was something that I was able to do. Once I put the people pleasing aside and put the boundaries up. I got to say, Okay, who am I and this is where I started to learn myself again, and realize that I am strong, even if not in the same way they thought because there's strength in vulnerability, there's strength in being able to accept help from others. And when you're just people pleasing, you don't have that you don't have the space for it. Because when when are you going to allow yourself to be vulnerable, because there's, there's too much to do. There's always so much to do. If you continue to always do all the things all the time for other people. There's no space for you.

Luisa Valentin: 00:23:21

Dr. Judith Holder: It is as if we are so externally focused on doing things for other people all the time. And we're always and you said it very nicely with this time issue. It just gobbles up all our time so much. And then in fact, we are obsessed with doing it for others, and have now created a desert for our soul. And that desert is like your soul saying, Give me some water. Please give me some attention here. You're giving attention to everyone else. But what happened here? I'm dying here. Please see me. You know, I acknowledged me talk to work with me on our quest to move to the higher aspects of life and who we really are, and how we want to show up in a more kind of holistic way that is true to our soul evolution.

Luisa Valentin: 00:24:16

Oh, yes, definitely. And once the soul evolves, and you can find that balance like you were talking about earlier. Life is just different. It you see through a different lens. colors are brighter. Relationships are more loving because it's not just that give cycle and that takes cycle but when I allowed myself to be who I am and allowed myself that space to be vulnerable, my relationships became deeper and because people got to see me, they got to learn me and who I really am. And sometimes that's a silly goofy person who likes to spend her time reading. And other times I want to be a nature and walk through the park or sit at the beach and watch the sunrise. And those things were okay. I didn't have to say, my time belongs to everyone else. It's, it's mine, and I'll share some of it with you, you can come to do some of those things with me. Or I may want to do it by myself. And that's okay, too. One of my favorite things to do is to go ice skating alone, because I just like zooming around the rink, and not having to worry about holding this friend up, or is so and so. Okay, how are your feet? No, I only have to worry about my feet and how happy my soul is to go in those silly little circles, round and round. But I get so much pleasure out of it. And it just, it's just something else that somebody who is simply worried about everyone else can't do.

Luisa Valentin: 00:26:25

Dr. Judith Holder: Right. And that's we're talking about the dark side of people pleasing. One of the things as I was thinking about the analogy about the skates, ice skates, you know, and on our skate, you've got to have perfect balance as you're going to fall. And is as if, you know, we will fall we were too far in the dark side of people pleasing. Because we are worried about other people's, we're not really sort of having a good time, we're just trying to hold them up and making sure they're having a good time, so to speak. And everything has this balance point. And that's what I think each person is learning to do is where their balance point is. And when they see the issue of the ego coming out through people pleasing, how can they say I see you, and then be able to say, a pivot and do a twirl and ice skates and go in a different direction. In order to help them to be able to start checking that because as you did it incrementally, I think each seeker has to learn how to do that incrementally for themselves to with awareness first building that awareness and when it's coming out with a person or situation or circumstance that is happening in and then starting to slowly, incrementally saying I don't need to do that way won't be more true to my soul, and more helpful to my soul to be able to to hear and be quiet. And like you said create space, and it will come in to you what you need to be able to do. And sometimes it may be nothing. Other times it may be the same. Now, like you were saying earlier, other times may Allah give you a piece of this, you may have to find someone else to do this other pieces relating to family or at work professionally for oneself. So there may be different levels that mean you're listening because that's the soul now speaking to you, Italian, do your intuition, what's the best next thing for you to do in the situation? Or some of the ways in which you can move out of that dark side of people pleasing, and moving into the light side of soul awareness? And so growth for oneself?

Luisa Valentin: 00:28:30

Yes. And it's so important that you are present in yourself so that you can hear that intuition. Because that's what happens. Sometimes we get so busy and so much into thinking, Okay, I have to do this, I have to do it that way. Or this person said, I have to do it slowly, or someone is someone else says you have to go cold turkey. If you just stop and slow down. Be in that moment. You can hear that voice you can feel it. Some of us feel it in our gut. That is a space for me where I'm like, Alright, let me listen. Let me listen closely. Whenever it's tingling, I normally have an Iron Stomach. So whenever it's it's doing anything funny, I'm like, Alright, stop, take a moment. What's next? And just breathe and go with.

Luisa Valentin: 00:29:32

Dr. Judith Holder: Yeah, that's nicely stated because that bodily awareness is what gives us some are tuned into it. Some people are not tuned into their body awareness. But when they are they realize my body is actually a little bit differently here. So it's trying to tell me something they know. And so let me just like you said, stop and listen and hear. But the other thing that you said to was related to this whole issue of being versus doing and so when the people put uses the doop doop doop doop, doop, just keep on doing. Whereas the being is mature talked about before it's being fully present and being kinda aware of what's happening, and listening and being open to hearing different way of doing something or operating in a different way.

Luisa Valentin: 00:30:19

Yes, exactly. Because when you're just doing, life is happening to you, life is not something that you are experiencing. Because you're, again, you're not thinking about experiencing it because you're too busy. And when you're able to just be be in your space be in your body. Like you said, not all of us are in tune with what our body is saying. That is also a learned skill. And the more you listen, the more though, the quicker, you'll get it, you'll get the message, you'll hear it. So that's something that slowing down can really help you do. And I like to do that, whether it's through journaling, I'll just write out my thoughts, whatever is coming to my mind right now. Because that's in the present that's bringing me to the here and now. And others, maybe with meditating. And that's something else that I do, and just taking those slow, deep breaths, because as you continue to get in tune, everything else can get louder within, you can start to shut out everything that's external for you, that is trying to tell you where you should be what you should be doing. And when you allow that soul to speak to you that intuition that inner knowing it, it just tells you sometimes, Hey, slow down, take a moment for you. Because when we don't listen, the body reacts. And that can sometimes get louder, but in a very negative way, with the health issues. And where you start getting these aches, and these headaches, and things start just not quite going right. Because we don't listen, it tries to tell us gently, it starts very, very gentle. And if you just listen, you'll give it the opportunity to speak. Or it can get to a point where it starts yelling at you.

Luisa Valentin: 00:32:48

Dr. Judith Holder: Yes, like this mind, body connection, Mind Body, soul, spirit, you know, type of quiet and connection that goes on and when we're willing to, to listen. And be aware that the body has its own intelligence that is trying to tell us and give us some feedback of what's going on. And our soul. And we have literally to understand where intuition is, which is a part of that soul is trying to talk with us, too. It's like we have these different components that are trying to help us. But sometimes we're saying, Well, no, we don't want to help them, you have to be able to slow it down, as you're mentioning, in order to say I do want to help. So that's the by slowing down and given some of the other how to as you're talking about through meditation, or through journaling, or through something that I also like to people to do is question thinking, you know, question thinking, question is same. What's important here? Why is this bothering me? Why is this person bothering me? What is it? What are they triggering within me that I knew it would be helpful for me to look at, and then make some shifts or changes around? Because you're now moving into building a greater foundation of confidence and awareness. And that sometimes, that's the dark the dark side of the people pleasing is it's just an issue of low self esteem, or some of the sometimes issues around confidence that happen. But the light side of this is building the confidence, do question thinking, and asking yourself and listening for an answer. And being really to be anchored, and awareness that you know what? I may have run into this, as you know, you're you're in the city and you walk in the street and you go, you go past a newsstand and you see something great, but you have just had a question about that same thing. And then it shows up and you realize, oh, he just said the headliner. That's what I need to do more of. And it may be something quick or you may buy that particular magazine or that particular news letter or whatever it may be. But by the mere fact we put it out into our inner universal world, you know, and we're thinking it and maybe even expressing and talking to ourselves about it. It allows the universe to start to help us to have a greater knowledge or wisdom around the particular thing that we're asking ourselves about.

Luisa Valentin: 00:35:10

Yeah. And that's very powerful, what you just mentioned even about the universe, kind of giving us those clues, those hints and really paying attention. And while this isn't particularly on the people pleasing aspect, I can think about me just going for a drive very recently, where I don't know why I was thinking about tire stripping. And I was like, Oh, maybe I need to get my tires checked. And that was at the start of my drive. At the end of my drive, someone's tire literally did that right in front of me, where I had to swerve a little bit. And I'm, you know, I was, I was a little shaken. But I was like, okay, the universe is speaking. So let, let me listen. And that's something that we can take into every aspect, we can take it into where you said, building that confidence, where's the universe trying to bring you once you're listening, once you're moving towards the things that you want, you can let it go to the side and the tire hit your car, or you can swerve and take that different route, because this one isn't good for you. This one is the toxic route. If I if I hadn't moved, I would have gotten hit, if I hadn't stopped with the people pleasing, I would have continued to break myself down. So that's where I see the connection there. And you got to change paths, sometimes even if it's uncomfortable, because Oh, trust me, I was uncomfortable when that tire came flying my way. But I did what I had to do to be safe.

Luisa Valentin: 00:37:04

Dr. Judith Holder: That's amazing that you kind of had a lot of signal warning, you know, we had an image. And that's what the intuition of a soul does. It gives us these little images or little snippets of information that it's allowing us to if we're in tune with ourselves, we allow, okay, something's up. So we're, you know, we're a little bit more alert, and so it doesn't faze us as much. It doesn't mean this in phases at all. But it doesn't faze us as much when something like that happens. And so we do swerve, and we are able to get out of harm's way, which is really a powerful, powerful way in which it shows you how much you're trusting your intuition. And you're trusting saying, okay, I can see the connections now. And when we start that we see more and more connections as we move along, as we move into those questions, or these question thinking or some of the journaling that you're talking about, or meditating, or being willing to just be open to what the universe has to send our way as those points of learning and growth as we moving forward in our life.

Luisa Valentin: 00:38:09

Yeah, and the more like you said, the more we listen, the more we see those connections. And I really love again, with the questions thinking, why is this triggering me? Why am I upset? Are they being different? Or is it me? Am I the one who's different? Again? I'm the one who's changing. They're just being the same person that they were why? Why am I gonna take that out on them? Instead of telling them what I need, and then assessing how to continue on with the situation depending on their reaction to that, which again, just goes back to alright, you don't like that? I'm not a people pleaser anymore. You can't handle it. Okay, you can move away from me, I can move away from you. Like you said, you do you I do me. And life will go on.

Luisa Valentin: 00:39:13

Dr. Judith Holder: Yeah, we'll go on. And that's the key. Sometimes I think that with people pleasing is they think like, well, not black go on with a year ago, or you won't go on because there won't be there. But life will go on, you know, life is for living life is for growing. And sometimes we lose sight of that fact that not everyone in our life is going to be in our life 24/7 Or continuously. But no, there's certain experiences they need to learn. And there's certain experiences that we need to learn. And there's certain experiences that as a group, even a family, mandala, a family group, or needing to learn certain things as well, and how can do that and not look at it from the standpoint of, you're in the wrong and that's why I'm angry because you're in the wrong as opposed to what you're saying. Really, if you're triggering something in me, I need to look at the inmate Part of this, cleaned that up, you know, so that whatever you do no longer triggers me. But we usually go the other way and say you did it. And you blame you blame the other person. And don't think we have to make any changes. But life is for growing, as I said earlier, and so the soul wants to grow, it wants to learn the lessons, it wants to mastery around the situation. So whatever it may be, whatever emotion it may be, or whatever behavior may be, it wants to master that. And that's what we're up to is learning to be alert to how we can gain greater mastery incrementally along each life experience that we go through.

Luisa Valentin: 00:40:45

Yeah, and as long as we're open to working through this journey, and knowing that it doesn't just come in the blink of an eye, you will grow you will ascend to where your soul is aiming for, but you just have to be open and willing to take the chances willing to rock the boat a little bit, because it's not going to be all a simple, easy, pleasurable journey there, there, your use zigzag and create it create the space to do it. And sometimes you gotta go with your hatchet and break through the weeds of things. But you'll find your way as long as you're open.

Luisa Valentin: 00:41:41

Dr. Judith Holder: Yeah, I totally agree with that. And as we're kind of winding down the segment, it is as if the awareness that just because we have bumps along in the road, it doesn't mean that life is terrible. It means that they steer for us to grow and advance, but it's me, it's there for us to be aware of when we're people pleasing, overly amount, or when we need to be really aware of that and start changing that and start focusing on the values, as you said earlier, the values of who we are, or getting more in tune to what is that soul nice to journaling. So there's different things that you've mentioned, I think it's wonderful for seekers to hear. And I'm wondering if there's any type of tip or hitting gifts, or that you want to share with the listeners that you received as you've been going your life path in terms of your experiences?

Luisa Valentin: 00:42:35

Sure, I would say creating happiness from within, so that you're not looking for from those external factors from other people. And that starts with simple things like having a happy song, there's a certain song that I will play when I need to boost up my mood, and including things that I love into my day. So that I know, I love all the people that are in my life that are a part of it. But I don't need them to create my happiness, they shouldn't be adding to it not making it exist. So I do things that will bring that happiness to me. And I work on putting my needs above all else. If you're not sleeping well if you're not eating well, if you're not taking care of your body. How can you have joy? How can you have anything your quality of life dwindles. So I take care of my bass needs, because then I can be happy because I'm not going to be happy in a sick body. If I'm in pain all the time, there may be happy moments, but that inner joy doesn't usually tend to be there. So the small things, it really does add up, I really believe in small changes to create big results.

Luisa Valentin: 00:44:10

Dr. Judith Holder: Oh, nicely, Sam. And I just one other comment that you said is that when you're able to have those balancing aspects that you're talking about, then increase the innerspace out of the environment for the soul to grow to just as you're growing externally, you're growing internally as well. So if they want to reach you, Louisa, how would they get in contact with you? Sure.

Luisa Valentin: 00:44:33

If anybody who would like to work with me, you can find me on my website, Louisa Valentin dot coach, if you just want to get to know me and engage, communicate and chat. You can find me on my social medias at coaching with Louisa that's on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, all the things.

Luisa Valentin: 00:44:56

Dr. Judith Holder: Excellent. Well, it's been a delight to have this conversation with you and And I think our seniors have enjoyed hearing your pearls of wisdom, and we look to having you back for another segment of Mastering life's adventures.

Luisa Valentin: 00:45:11

Thank you for joining me for this episode on mastering life's adventures, being your best self through soul evolution. If you have enjoyed what you've heard today, I would be delighted if you would share this episode with others, leave a thumbs up and subscribe to my Mastering life's adventures podcast. I look forward to your joining the next episode. Please leave any comments or suggestions you might have below. Bye for now.