Barriers and Roadblocks to Soul Progress: #6 – Deflating Discouragement | EP 038

Dr. Judith Holder: 00:00:06

Welcome to Mastering life's adventures, an educational podcast about tapping into your true self, the soul, your soul, the substance of your life, to discover what life's ups and downs are really about, and how to have a greater sense of purpose, peace, joy, and fulfillment. I am Dr. Judith holder and your host, Coach psychologist Delos seeker, he enjoys diving into the connections between spirituality, psychology, wellness, and your everyday life's adventures. All comparing and polishing you like the fast is a magnificent diamond to be your best self. If you're craving more from your life, you are in the right place. Come let's journey together and transforming what you know, and to who you really are mastering life's adventures begins now.

Dr. Judith Holder: 00:01:00

Hi, I'm back. I'm here to talk about another barrier and roadblock to your soul's progress. It's something that we don't think a lot about are often about, as I've said about one or two other types of barriers, but this one, I think it just so naturally, it happens so often. Then it can be like dribbling a ball, those who dribble balls, others it may be walking, we all have to walk, for example. And this next barrier is it's related to discouragement, which I kind of talk about it as deflating discouragement, deflating discouragement. And when you think about discouragement, it could be like working on a project, which you've been working on for a good period of time. And you thought it was going to pan out to be something really successful, and something rewarding. But instead, it yielded very little. And it felt more like a failure. And then what comes along with that is discouragement. You just feel discouraged with all the time, the energy, the effort that we put into something the sleepless nights that we used to work on it. Or it can be that you've worked so hard on certain things. And then you think you're ready for a promotion. And there's all the indicators that say yes, and people are kind of rooting, you want to get that promotion. And so you decide to put in your hat into the ring for that promotion. And the next step in your career, whatever direction that you're moving in, and it results in, you didn't get the promotion, how discouraging can that be? And you thought all the time and the energy and the effort that you put into that particular position. And doing so much work would have ended in a promotion. So I want to talk about this particular type of area of discouragement. And the aspect of it being deflating is because of the energy, the time the mental thinking that we put into something that we think and we're excited about initially. And we think it's going to be something great. And it doesn't end that way. And part of this aspect of to fleeting is is that is like two levels like a double dosage of, of finding that you're not getting further ahead that you weren't wanting to get ahead in, in it's like two steps forward, and four steps backward, and where you're wanting to go. And the aspect of it being deflating is because discouragement has its own level of feeling despair. But when it's added to it to fleeting, and deflating comes to not only the experience that we went through with that promotion, for example, but it also is deflating with the mental thoughts that we have about it. And the griping and complaining and since Oh, woe is me. And I get that. You know, I think we've all raise your hand you know If you've been into the area of discouragement, we've all had that experience. But the frequency and the type is very important. We don't want to stay in the land of discouragement, or the land of regret Ville. regretting that we ever get regretting that a person told us this was gonna be the the best thing for us to do. And it ended up not being, we don't want to stay in that particular energy or frequency, because it does have an impact upon our soul, which I'll talk about in a minute. Getting back to this discouragement, and this deflating aspect. Because emotionally, we felt that we were going to do good, and this was going to be a good experience. And this was going to, we can envision ourselves in that promotion. And we can envision ourselves taking to the next level in our career, or we could envision ourselves having a child and, and being a good parent, but you know, we didn't get pregnant, so it didn't happen. The discouragement, again, is one aspect, just feeling down about it, and feeling like you want to give up. But the other aspect of this is related to the deflating of the mental and the emotional aspects that it places us them. And in sometimes in that state of emotional, losing confidence in our abilities, or in our homes in ourselves, to be able to achieve what we really want, or in will lead to not having confidence in our abilities. So we double down harder on ourselves to try to do better and be better. But maybe we're looking at this from the wrong direction, we're looking at it from the direction of didn't do something, or didn't do it right. Or having to do it over again. Or we may be looking at it from the aspect of that person was really critical of the project. And that's why it didn't go anywhere, because they ended up telling the superiors those in senior management, that they really didn't think the project was going to go anywhere, and that it wasn't quality work and whatever, whatever. And what we have to be able to do more of is say that I do my best. And most likely you do. And N r is going to hit 1,000% of the balls out of the ballpark? Probably not. So there's so what is it that I can grow from in this experience? How can I be able to expand my awareness and knowing that I need to get out of the mindset, that I have to do it right? The first time in everything that I do. And there is something called Growing Pains. And those growing pains, I think we've all experienced to them, you know, when we start off with a particular project or in a particular role at work, or at school, or we're trying to advance a particular thought process, we may not get very far, it may take time, it may take contemplating more, it may take rearranging things like mind mapping, you know, you're rearranging it in a way that feels like the pieces are gonna fit a little bit better. But it's an evolutionary process. It's an evolving process, just like your soul is always evolving.

Dr. Judith Holder: 00:08:47

We also are always evolving in our thoughts. And we also certainly have to be aware of, we're always evolving in our emotions, too. We do need to be aware of our emotional reactions, because that's where this level of deflating and discouragement keeps us stuck. Because it's in our emotions, and we were revolving on the things and why didn't go right and how other people were responsible, how it didn't go right and, and how we should have put more effort into something that we were doing, you know, all that is always revolving in this emotional turmoil of being upset, being disappointed, feeling sad, or never get ahead, feeling as if this is always happening to you, which may or may not be true, the all statement, it's like the all or nothing statement which moves into an misbelief or disbelief that you're holding that you have to challenge yourself around and know that there's certain thoughts that we can have that can be irrational, certain emotions that we have can be irrational and we have to identify them and knows that is in the way in which we can do that. At some days, what I taught and say to my coaching clients is to be able to say to oneself, is a true?

Dr. Judith Holder: 00:10:08

Is it true? Is it true that I'm always going to do it wrong? Probably not. Is it true that I'm not going to get farther along in my career because I seem like it'd be reaching dead ends. Probably not true, you probably continue to incrementally make luminaire for it. But it also requires some reassessment. And reevaluation. Because sometimes we're not in the right job is not the respite for us. And so we're not being successful maybe in a particular way. And we've been doing this for several years. And maybe if you're coming to the conclusion that there are certain skills that you've learned, which is great, but maybe the role that you're in may not be as great. And so we all have the decision making abilities to determine when we do need to move on. And when we do need to hold on, just continue to do our best and see what happens. And everyone has to make that type of choice. With the evolving of the emotions that go wrong, we're so feeling discouraged by the events circumstances, or by our own expectations that we do have, we have to break them down. We have to know that in this particular circumstances, this always happened to me. And if you say yes, it does in this particular type of circumstance, then it's allowing you to know is something I need to drill deeper around and look at a little bit more, or with that circumstance, it may be specifically types of events that come up. And in those vans that are coming up, you realize every time when it relates to having to give a speech on then the investments that people need to make, which is my area of specialty, this particular type of question stumps me all the time. And I'm not quite sure how to respond to that question. Even though I feel like I'm pretty good at what I do. I don't understand why that stumped me. Well, that's something you need to look deeper into, and do some more research around to see what's happening. Or it may be with a circumstance in your marriage, which you're you're finding that you always are having arguments as relate to finance. And finances is a major area that couples can argue about, certainly. But as relates to you, and what goes on with those particular arguments, you have to look at what is true, and what isn't true, is it true. And those things that aren't true, then you have to have a conversation around. But those things that may be true related to what you're doing as it relates to the finances, you may need to make some tweaks around, then when we start making tweaks and starting we start making certain changes, then we find the whole area of discouragement starts to decrease, starts to decrease. We're now being more encouraged, to be able to do some shifts and changes that will make that marriage better, that will make that relationship better, because we're taking ownership of what we have control over. And the other person needs to do the same. But we're not only doing it because that other person needs to do and therefore I'm going to do it. Now we're doing it because I want to be a better person. And that's the role of the soul. That's the Avenue of the path of the soul. The soul does it because it allows that inner workings of who you are to be better. And in being better. You can have a greater sense of fulfillment. And not think your partner is going to be the person who's going to fill you up and make you whole. It is your soul in your souls quest in your souls, spiritual practices that you engage in, that allows you to have a greater sense of wholeness and completeness. And that marital or partner that you're involved with accents that accepts who you are. And that's the beautiful thing. When we start understanding. We can move away from discouragement, do things that are more encouraging as a result of this talking about and knowing that individuals may be supportive to us, but is we ourselves that has to feel our well inside, help our soul to expand and advance and to be able to sense our greater sense of wholeness and completeness and not think is only going to come from this marital or this partner that I'm involved with. Now the other aspect of discouragement, when it's happening, it seems like so often to us, we get into doubting ours else. We're doubting our abilities. And we're doubting maybe even our perceptions about things. We're kind of living not only in the land of Grenville or the town or we get robbed, but we can also live in the town of Danville. We don't want to stay there, just as like we don't want to stay in regret fail. And that doubting that's happening, maybe what we have to look at instead is, am I expectations appropriate? Are they set in a way that allows me to grow and aspire, but it's not so high that it topples me, and gets me into more doubt and uncertainty about myself? This gets back to the issue around confidence in ourselves. We want to be able to do things that allow us to feel confident, and also be realistic to knowing that there will be times in which we will feel discouraged. And holy. So you'll have the head deflating discouragement that will happen. But do you stay there? Or do you advance? It's like, Do you have a one Mike's day or a year in the town of doubt vo or regret Ville? It's like no, if I may have stayed there for a day or two, but I'm not going to stay there. So it's like, what is it that I need to help me to move past this whole issue of discouragement. And that's where the soul comes in. And that's where your willingness to experiment comes in. And I want you to, I want you to first think about is, what's the frequency of this aspect of deflating discouragement happen? How often in a day, or how often in a week's time, or how often in two weeks, or in a month, can I track myself, and see how often I get discouraged. Because the amount that we get discouraged, has an impact upon the energy of our soul. And if our discouragement is our energies going out through discouragement, then our attention is placed on discouragement. And our attention is not on the soul evolution, the evolving of ourselves the progressing, never saw that are so being able to see avenues to step around the issue that is feeling discouraged, or to act in a different way that will allow us to be able to continue in the world of encouragement, and encouraging ourselves and knowing that we will do better each and every day, in every way. And in order that we will be able to transform or transcend. In some ways, the discouragement because we saw the silver lining in that dark cloud. We were willing to look for what is the silver lining here at the situation that I don't like that happens to me that or has happened to me. But you know what? I'm, I'm thinking about it and trying to look at it from a standpoint of growth and development. From my standpoint, of evolving to be my best self. And all that I do thought word indeed. And that also includes in our emotions. So one way in which we start to do that is something that I'd like you to think about, as which I call Top, T O P. Heaping on top of these energies of discouragement. That will happen, it's just not a matter of if they're going to happen. It's just a matter of when we happen and how long we stay in that frequency of discouragement, that may be to the detriment of our soul, instead of leaning forward and thinking about top T O P. Keeping on top of energies, like discouragement the first thing that we have to do is begin to train our mind. We have to know do we do we are I as an individual tend to see the glass half empty or half full. And if we tend to see things half empty, then we need to train our mind to be able to see things half full or neutral.

Dr. Judith Holder: 00:19:45

What is called in coaching charge neutral that this experience is not going to make or break me is to charge neutral perspective. I'm going to learn from it and I'm going to move on from it. If you are the one that sees it half full, then you want to Look at things from an optimistic view, but not so optimistically that you don't see the realism of whether something is possible or not possible. So you want to be having a realistic optimism. Just as a person who maybe sees the glass half empty, wants to have a more what I call him grounded expectations, grounded in the reality of saying, If my expectations are on par with what the situation is, okay, if it's not the let me make a shift. And let me make a change in my expectations. Because it's usually when we're seeing that glass half empty, we have already envisioned in our mind, how we think things should go, and how we would want them to go. And when things veer off of that, then it gets discouraging for us. Because not only is the mindset, one of seeing things half empty, but a part of that mindset is the vision or the perspective, or the expectation about how things need to go, or should go, or you want them to go. And when they don't meet that expectation thing, you get deflated. And then you become discouraged. That a flame is then is in your thoughts of saying, Well, I don't know why what happened, it shouldn't went that way, it should have been better, this is how I envisioned it to go. And now that it's not going that way, then it slides you sleep very easily into the world of discouragement. Now, when we get into that we're of discouragement either through the path of seeing the glass half empty. And by not having that realistic optimism about things. And we're still because people will say, you know, I'm a positive person, I'm a happy person, I'm, you know, a really enthusiastic individual. And so I don't know why I'm feeling so discouraged all the time. Because what I'm talking about is a mechanism, whether it's the either or the or perspective, what the underlying current of this is, is I do need to be able to train my mind to see things as they are. And not as I would like them to be entirely, it doesn't mean that you can't have a vision for it, but you're not stuck in that vision, you know, you know, crystallize in that perspective about things. But instead, what you're willing to do is just say, what are the possibilities in which direction that this could lead him, there's, you know, Option A or Option B, Option C, of how this can happen, Expand your horizon, especially for those who are seeing the glass half empty, so expands me to know that there may be different ways that this experience or this project or the interaction with certain people will go. And so I know that I'm always gonna have a, you know, a viewpoint of seeing the best, but I'm not going to be even tied to that best. I'm just going to try to do my best in terms of keeping flexibility, a my perspective about things. training the mind is being able to do some of the things I've just mentioned, with that ability to say, okay, what are my expectations? What's realistic? What is unrealistic here? What is it that I am being that this other person will or will not do? And Is that realistic? Because sometimes we hope others should do is really quite unrealistic. That's not how they are. That's not what makes them tick. And so we haven't seen that in them, and why are we expecting them to be different? Whatever it is, we really want people to be like us, more like us. Isn't that true? And people are more like us and the world would be a better place, right. But there's many different flavors to ice cream justice, there's many different flavors to the human condition and people and their personality types. And so we have to realize that you may be in terms of their type of ice creams that they like or be con versus French vanilla or chocolate versus pistachio nut ice cream. There's so many different flavors that we have to be open to knowing that people have free will. And when we're interacting with other individuals, we have to be aware that it may go a little bit different. That's why we're thinking about in order to buffer this aspect of deflating discouragement, saying okay, with this particular situation, circumstance, or perspective or view that I have about myself, be more flexible. What is Option A, B, and C. So that's begins with training the mind That's an eye and invite you to, to find ways in which you can write down the top two ways that you can begin to train your mind when your mind wants to go down one pathway, which is so used to. And it's habitual, that you know, it's not serving you. And giving you chest a way in which you can do that is to be able to ask more questions about the way you're thinking or feeling. And then the other piece with this top is seeing life as opportunities, the Oh, as opportunities. This is how the soul wants you to see things as opportunities for growth, opportunities to be able to make different decisions, opportunities to be more intentional in living life more abundantly, and fully. So that when these things come up into our world, these events or situations or circumstances, we know, it's an opportunity to help us to grow in some particular way. That's how the soul looks like it is an opportunity to pause, push the pause button and say, what is it that we're supposed to get out of this year. And whether it's painful, or it's delightful, or it's in the middle, or is neutral, in some ways, you're still trying to figure out to every experience that comes my way, there is something for me to grow in a fun in a delightful way. And it may be something simple is showing me that I gotta laugh at these situations. Because in the grand scheme of things, it's very miniscule. This situation that happened to me, so I can laugh at it. Because I don't want to make it any bigger than what it needs to be, or is. So began to see life as opportunities is news, newsworthy stories in your world, to help you to be able to see certain themes that are coming up, or certain patterns that are happening, that the soul needs to grow from. Like when I talked about earlier, like the promotion, one of the things that if that person didn't get the promotion, maybe the thing that they were learning from that is maybe, maybe it's not the right timing, for me to have this promotion, because I'm also involved in this and also just had a newborn and also, you know, I have called, you know, in terms of the type of work I do. And if I believe in the higher source, the i impresses the gods source, the creator, then I asked God to help me see and help me do my best. And also to Let me release those things I need to release, let it be under the auspices of God's will, not my will. So everything that I am trying to respire, or I am doing, why would it be great if you surrender it to God's well, so you have a partner in this process, this surrendering to God's will, your soul is understanding that is my reactions to things that will allow me to grow or stifle me create that barrier is my reactions to situations that are happening to me at work, or in my personal life, or in my home life, that I need to be keenly aware of that I'm not moving into the town of regret Ville, or doubt Ville, which ends up being discouragement Ville you know, the city of discouragement, and then you have different towns, right? So it's like no, I don't want to be in a city. This is not the city I want to be in. And so you're willing to be able to say, I would surrender this to the highest well of God. If this is right may come my way. If it is not my good be found elsewhere. Now, the P for this being on top and keeping on top of discouragement, and more specifically, the deflating discouragement that is related to

Dr. Judith Holder: 00:29:46

this private conversation, or check in that we're doing with ourselves is privately no one sees it no one hears it just you and your inner self hears All self, the substance of your life you're checking in. And as you're checking in, you're seeing where are we at? How are we doing? acknowledging it? You taking a few minutes, you know, just to sit with how am I doing with this. And you're asking yourself inner questions. That allows you to get more in tune with your soul essence. We've talked about meditation, or we'll be talking about it in depends on how the sequence like put this in, in the process of just sitting with yourself, even if it's just for five minutes or 10 minutes, you're getting more centered in the inner world that exists within you, and the nuances and the vibrations, and the orchestra has been played within you. And asking yourself, How are we doing? What do you need. And if I were to visualize an image, for this conversation that I'm having with my soul, who are the image of my soul be which we talked about in a previous podcast, setting the foundation and 2022 in the fall, when we're being willing to just be quiet and sit with ourselves, then that will be fine tune in this private conversation, and his private silence. Our intuition, that that intuition, which is a part of the soul gets clear. And we become clear about when it is our soul speaking. And when it's our ego personna speaking to us, you can become clearer in the nuances that exists. And that's exciting. When we can say yes, this is I feel my soul, my soul essence is asking me, or telling me, or requesting or guiding me to be able to do certain things, and they pan out, well, they pan out in the right way. For us, because we're in listening grace. And that's one of the things that we're learning from and we're learning to do is to be in more listening grace. So we just talked about this whole area of deflating discouragement, that happens to all of us. But so it's not a matter of not happening is that when it does, what do we do? How do we get back on the track on the path with ourselves. And one of the things we just finished talking about is top, T O P. train the mind the opportunities, see our suit situations coming to us as opportunities. And then having this private conversation with ourselves of words of encouragement, words of comfort, of being more silent, and listening, being listening grace with our inner self, our soul self. So we stay on top of any type of discouragement that's trying to come into our worlds or into our minds, or into our hearts. Something to think about. Bye for now.